First and foremost, an incredibly relaxing entrance, getting acquainted and after that we started. Respectful massage with great sense of stress in the body and doing the right things to release it. Felt amazing afterwards with a strange sense of almost being “reborn”. Nothing short of a 5 star treatment in every way and would recommend this to everybody!
In tegenstelling tot het rationele brein, dat zich uitdrukt via gedachten, uiten de emotionele hersenen zich door middel van lichamelijke reacties: misselijkmakende gevoelens, een bonzend hart, een snelle en oppervlakkige ademhaling, hartzeer, een gespannen en schrille stem, en de karakteristieke lichaamsbewegingen die op ineenstorting duiden, starheid, woede of een afwerende houding.
En waarom helpt het niet als we de bron van deze fenomenen begrijpen? Het rationele, uitvoerende brein is er goed in om ons te helpen begrijpen waar gevoelens vandaan komen. Bijvoorbeeld: Ik word bang als ik te dicht bij een man kom, omdat mijn vader mij misbruikte’ of Ik heb er moeite mee om mijn liefde te tonen aan mijn zoon, omdat ik me schuldig voel over het feit dat ik in Irak een kind heb gedood’. Het rationele brein kan echter geen emoties, gevoelens of gedachten ongedaan maken.
Als je leeft met een voortdurend gevoelvan dreiging op de achtergrond, of de overtuiging dat je in wezen een vreselijke persoon bent, helpt het weinig als je weet dat het niet jouw schuld is dat je werd verkracht.
Begrijpen waarom je je op een bepaalde manier voelt, verandert niet hoe je je voelt. Het kan wel verhinderen dat je toegeeft aan extreme reacties (zoals je baas aanvallen omdat hij je doet denken aan een dader, het uitmaken met je geliefde bij de allereerste ruzie of in de armen van een vreemde vallen), maar hoe uitzinniger we ons voelen, hoe meer het rationele brein wijkt voor onze emoties
Rustig kunnen ademen en in een toestand van relatieve lichamelijke ontspanning blijven, zelfs terwijl je pijnlijke en gruwelijke herinneringen oproept, is een essentiële vaardigheid om te kunnen herstellen.
Als je bewust een paar keer langzaam en diep in- en uitademt, merk je het effect van de parasympathische rem op je arousal. Hoe meer je je aandacht op je ademhaling richt, hoe meer dat je gemoedstoestand ten goede komt, zeker als je je concentreert tot aan het einde van de uitademing en dan een moment wacht voordat je weer inademt.
Terwijl je doorgaat met ademen en merkt hoe de lucht je longen ln en uitgaat, zou je kunnen denken aan de rol die zuurstof speelt in het onderhouden van je lichaam en hoe die al je weefsels voedt met de energie die je nodig hebt om werkelijk te voelen dat je leeft.
De kern van herstel is zelfbewustzijn. De twee belangrijkste uitspraken in traumatherapie zijn: ‘Wees je bewust van…’ en Wat gebeurt er daarna?’
Getraumatiseerde mensen leven met schijnbaar onhoudbare gevoelens. Het voelt alsof hun hart gebroken is, ze zitten met ondraaglijke gevoelens in hun maag of voelen zich letterlijk benauwd. Toch maakt elke vermijding van zulke gevoelens ons lichaam juist gevoeliger voor het overspoeld worden door die gevoelens.
Lichaamsbewustzijn brengt ons in contact met onze innerlijke wereld, het landschap van ons organisme. Het simpelweg opmerken van onze ergernis, nervositeit of angst helpt ons onmiddellijk om een ander perspectief op deze gevoelens te krijgen en ons open te stellen voor manieren van reageren die anders zijn dan onze automatische, gebruikelijke reacties.
Mindfulness brengt ons in contact met de voorbijgaande aard van onze gevoelens en waarnemingen. Als we onze aandacht richten op onze fysieke gewaarwordingen, dan kunnen we de eb en vloed van onze emoties herkennen en er daardoor meer controle over krijgen.
EFT staat voor Emotional Freedom Technique. Het is een hulpmiddel om negatieve emoties sneller te verwerken, zodat we hier minder last van hebben in het dagelijks lev
Narcissism has become a buzzword these days often “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing,” to quote Macbeth. But for adult children of narcissists (ACoNs)—those who have lived with the narcissist disordered personality as their primary caretakers—the reality is painfully serious and the health stakes are high.
Parents with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) fundamentally lack empathy and compassion and are incapable of unconditional love. In an effort to scaffold an all-consuming sense of worthlessness formed in early childhood, the narcissist constructs a grandiose self that he continuously asserts and protects with all of his resources. The narcissist’s needs trump everything else, and his children are manipulated within a family system designed to support his ego. A child in a narcissistic family is treated to “normalized” day-to-day psychological and sometimes physical abuse. Such abuse breeds in denial and secrecy, manifesting in families through manipulation, shame, blame, belittlement, rage, and neglect. Narcissists violate boundaries, play family members against one another, refuse accountability, and stop at virtually nothing to maintain control.
In his 2014 landmark work The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, Bessel van der Kolk, M.D., captures the physical and emotional experience of the child in the narcissistic home: “Trauma almost invariably involves not being seen, not being mirrored, and not being taken into account.” He continues, “Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health.”
For children of narcissist parents, abuse and neglect settle in the body in lasting, often devastating ways. They are the walking wounded, emotionally and physically traumatized and at risk for further trauma. Dr. van der Kolk describes the body’s response to long-term stress:
“Ideally our stress hormone system should provide a lightning-fast response to threat, but then quickly return us to equilibrium. In PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) patients, however, the stress hormone system fails at this balancing act. Flight/fight/freeze signals continue after the danger is over. . . . Instead, the continued secretion of stress hormones is expressed as agitation and panic and, in the long term, wreaks havoc with their health.” [page 30]
According to Dr. Karyl McBride, Director of The International Resource Center for the Daughters, Sons, and Partners of Narcissists and author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough?, there is a clear and disproportionate pattern of physiological fallout among her clients, stemming from narcissist trauma. Having worked with hundreds of ACoNs, McBride said, “I’m continuing to be amazed how these people come out of these relationships with narcissists having severe health effects.”
McBride cited PTSD symptoms such as anxiety, depression, and insomnia; migraines; autoimmune disorders such as chronic fatigue syndrome; addiction; adrenal exhaustion; and heart problems among the population of people she treats. “Bottom line is trauma causes all kinds of physical problems,” she said.
Los Angeles-based psychotherapist Fiona E. Steele has practiced for over three decades and for the last 8 years has exclusively treated ACoNs and people in relationships with narcissists because, she said, the demand is overwhelming. Steele told me the majority of her clients are just waking up to the reality of narcissistic abuse. “Their whole life they’ve been looking in a fun house mirror. It’s almost like they’re coming out of a cult,” she said. “They feel shame and isolation. We’re taught not to say anything bad about our parents. In that sense the culture supports the narcissist.”
Steele described the body’s response to years of “being on hyperalert, white-knuckling it.” She listed common health problems among her clients resulting from disrupted cortisol (stress hormone) levels: autoimmune disorders such as Lupus and Chronic Fatigue, thyroid problems, back pain, irritable bowel, arthritis, depleted adrenals, and complex PTSD symptoms such as anxiety, depression, insomnia, and nightmares.
Regina Collins is a licensed professional counselor based in D.C. Her early work treating substance abuse pointed to trauma treatment, which led her into the field of narcissist abuse recovery. Collins described the narcissistic family as one where “everyone is rotating around the narcissist on continual high alert. Consistent high stress levels take a physical toll.” She compared the environment for the body as driving a car with your foot on the gas pedal all the time, or with your feet simultaneously on the gas and the brakes.
Collins is outspoken about the need for more understanding of the physiology of trauma. Among her clients she sees a pattern of extremely high anxiety, insomnia, muscle pain, autoimmune disorders, depression, and disregulation. She explained that chemical disregulation as a result of trauma can lead the sufferer to seek balance through behaviors that can become self-destructive but are meant to self-soothe—behaviors such as substance abuse, eating disorders, self-harm, gambling, and shopping. “They give the brain a shot of dopamine for relief,” she said. “It makes perfect sense from a coping standpoint.”
Psychotherapist Julie Tenenberg, with a practice in Oakland, California, specializes in treating narcissistic trauma. “All of my patients with a narcissist parent have health problems,” she said. “Growing up in a narcissistic home places stress on the body that threatens our homeostasis—the hypothalamic/pituitary/adrenal (HPA) axis,” Tenenberg explained.
The HPA axis regulates stress and many body processes, including digestion, immune response, emotion, and energy storage and release. Tenenberg listed common problems she sees among her clients: autoimmune disorders, hypo- or hyperthyroidism, leaky gut, cardiovascular issues, irritable bowel, and insomnia. “Often they are illnesses that traditional M.D.s don’t pick up or acknowledge,” she pointed out. “That invalidation can reactivate trauma.”
Although narcissistic abuse takes a toll on the body, there are ways to reduce or even overcome its effects. Dr. McBride developed a five-step recovery model that she uses with her clients and teaches to other professionals in her field. Others I spoke with utilize emotional freedom therapy (EFT) and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy (EMDR), which are believed to help the body release long-held trauma. Dr. van der Kolk also cites EMDR as well as a range of other trauma therapies such as yoga, writing, and theater.
McBride emphasized the importance of working with the right mental health professional. “If the therapist does not understand the dynamics of narcissism and its debilitating effects, it is easy for them to encourage the ‘get over it already, the past is the past’ mentality. When they do this, they are not validating the feelings of the client and the childhood issues are deeply minimized and discounted,” she explained.
In some cases, limited or no contact with abusive parents can be curative. Jeanie of Alberta, Canada, grew up with a narcissist mother and an enabling father with narcissistic traits. Her mother routinely criticized and ridiculed Jeanie, publicly humiliating her and overtly favoring her other children. “My mother would wake me up early every Saturday morning to clean the house while she cuddled and giggled in bed with my younger sister until noon,” Jeanie recalled. Her mother also restricted Jeanie’s clothing and hair style while giving free rein to her other children.
By the time Jeanie was 17, she was suffering from symptoms that would later be diagnosed as multiple sclerosis. She also developed intense anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, migraines, and undiagnosed digestive problems. She said, “I felt like a walking black void, worthless and destroyed.”
When Jeanie was finally tested for MS in her late 30s, she said her brain scan “lit up like a Christmas tree” with lesions, indicating that she had had the disease for years. Six years after she cut off contact with her family of origin, with support from her husband and children, a followup brain scan showed a dramatic reduction in lesions. “My doctor was amazed. She’d never seen anything like it,” said Jeanie. “I’m convinced my lesions have decreased because of going no contact.”
Julie L. Hall is the author of the forthcoming memoir, Carry You, about life, and a few near deaths, in a narcissistic family. Read excerpts. Her articles on narcissism regularly appear in The Huffington Post.
