Why me?

Victims-of-narcists
Almost anyone can fall prey to a narcissist unless you know what to look out for. The image we get in the media of the pathetic woman submissive to the dominant man is in no way consistent with reality. The perception that victims of narcissists and partner violence must have weak personalities is far from correct. In fact, it is common for an independent, autonomous and assertive person in a relationship with a narcissist to end up being completely dominated.

Why me?

The question of why the narcissist picked out precisely you as prey is complicated.

  • First, the narcissist is opportunistic. He waits for his victims like a spider in his web.
  • Second, the narcissist must see potential in you to use. The narcissist needs to see that you can possibly satisfy his needs (love, admiration, status, money and so on).
  • Third, the narcissist must see a certain sensitivity in you. If you seem insensitive to his patheticness and manipulation, then you are useless to him.
  • Fourth, you must be willing to sacrifice some personal freedom and be willing to live within the domain of the narcissist. This could mean that your relationship with the narcissist means giving up your job, lifestyle or circle of friends.

    In short, if you are looking for love, you are the ideal candidate.

Addiction

In addition to the above-mentioned processes, many other issues come into play, because narcissistic love is not love, it is addiction, usually from both partners. Maybe you think you have relationships for sex, maybe you think relationships are there to procreate, or maybe you have the idea that relationships are there for companionship, to not be alone, and so on. These are actually all misconceptions, because relationships you enter into to experience and realize yourself.

If you are in a relationship in which you are only losing yourself more, then you owe it to yourself to start making better choices about your life. Unless you want to completely destroy yourself and become unhappy because of the narcissist, it is unrealistic to continue playing this role with him for long. You are conditioned to turn a blind eye, to take him back after he humiliates you and not ask questions and to suffer in silence during his icy periods, abuse or his sexual escapades.

Instead of facing reality and acknowledging that the relationship is unhappy and bad for both your mental and physical health, psychological dependence develops. This ferocity of emotion is often mistaken for love…. It is not love, but dependence.

Alarm bells

Although you are in no way to blame for the abuse, it is helpful to understand your own part in the relationship. The problem is that you let someone walk all over you, without putting a stop to it in time. Therefore, you will have to learn from this experience. If you don’t change, the same thing can happen again and again. You will have to learn to be assertive, learn to guard your boundaries and learn to say “no. You might want to see a coach, therapist or could take an assertiveness course. But whatever you do, this has to change.

It’s interesting, to change things drastically. You may still fall for wrong men or wrong women and still be attractive to these kinds of dangerous men and women, but you can quickly put a stop to it in the future if your alarm bells start ringing now. An easy criterion to use is the following: if your alarm bells ring once it may occur, twice may be coincidence, but after about three times without proper explanation, it is time to leave the situation behind. Don’t even bother to invest any more time in it.

Read more about recognizing, handling and recovering from narcissism in relationships in the series of E-books DAMAGE BY LOVE