John Bowlby’ s (1988) attachment theory describes the way of connection in interpersonal relationships. The type of attachment occurs in early childhood and carries over into adult relationships. As a child, I attach myself to the primary care figure, mother initially and later the father. The manner and quality of attachment varies greatly from person to person.
You don’t necessarily need to know the entire science of attachment styles. at most to know that there are underlying forces that influence your reactions to keep you safe. Because my system of connecting to another may or may not have ever been damaged and I am still influenced by that situation in my reactions because of it.
Four attachment styles
Secure Adhesion
As a child, I trust the care figures who provide closeness, protection and emotional support. For me, this is the most conducive attachment style.
With this secure attachment, I experience a healthy balance between exploring the world and feeling safe with the care figure. I dare to take on new tasks, have a hard time for a while when my mother is briefly out of sight, and when she returns I seek rapprochement again. After that, I venture back further to explore. My care figures are usually sensitive, cooperative and approachable.
Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment
I now experience separation anxiety when I am separated from my mother or father. I also do not feel 100% comfortable if and when the care figure will return but I do seek a lot of closeness.My care figures are often unpredictable and absent at crucial times.
Avoiding Attachment
I now adopt a very avoidant attitude toward the care figure. I am independent early. I’ll solve it on my own. For example, if I have an avoidant attachment style I prefer to be alone, despite the fact that connecting naturally keeps my system safe. Something once caused egw that it was more seemingly safe to then do it alone from now on and not count on others. A solution then, perhaps a loss now. My caregivers are often dismissive, absent and insensitive.
Disorganized Attachment
I have alternating characteristics of the above attachment styles. Sometimes I seek rapprochement with the parent, but results in both stress and anxiety. My care figures are often unpredictable and inconsistent. This attachment may also involve trauma or other impactful events, including early death of a parent, abandonment and physical or mental abuse.
Black and white is not life. Attachment styles also have a kind of sliding scale with unconscious preferences of behavior. However, one of the four is often more dominant in me. Especially in exciting or unsafe situations, that dominant style will feel most familiar and thus play out in me. And then when I meet a partner who has a different or the same attachment style you can foresee what happens in situations of stress. Two other people.
My own conditioning seeks contact at times when I am struggling (being alone), but at other safe times I want space and so may react dismissively (dismissive). Then I am giving the wrong signal to the other person who may be Anxious-Ambivalent in terms of attachment style and thus is looking for bonding and therefore taking my signal more seriously than I mean it overall.
