I have an innate fear of being thrown out of the herd, of being ostracized. Yes the herd takes care of me but with conditions. there is no unconditional love. whereas I did experience it (with healthy attachment) that way when I was very small and my mother took care of me without me having to do anything in return. And at some point there was a turning point where I found out how the hares really ran here on earth. That love was indeed conditional.
So I adapted. I developed a modified self that moved like an avatar in the world, controlled by a security system with a spokesperson, my thinking self. I built an I with what was available to me. That is the human condition.
By trial and error, I became wiser. Above all, shame and embarrassment were my portion. Shame that I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t know the rules, didn’t know what I didn’t already know. Too often things went wrong when I just spontaneously did my thing. More no than yes was my part. Shame crept into me like an uninvited guest who did get the nicest and biggest room.
Guilt and shame are about me, while regret and remorse are about others.
